I have had several requests asking me and my wife to share our ‘secret’ parenting recipe that led to the excellent achievement of our daughter in both her Secondary 4 religious studies as well as the O-level examinations recently.
Firstly, I must say that I am of very little direct influence on my daughter in her studies. It is my wife who is instrumental in managing all the educational affairs of my children, with little input from me, if at all.
My role is more of a steerer of our family’s direction. I would articulate and actively ensure that ideas of what we would like our family to be is openly shared with every member of the family.
Don’t leave what you want your child to be, to chance
I would say this when I conduct parenting talks in schools: Don’t leave what you want your child to be, to chance.
For example, if you want your child to be a doctor, make sure you sow those seeds early and nurture them to grow in your child, as he or she progresses in his or her studies and becomes more mature. There are many ways to instil the idea and eventually inspire the child to embrace it as his or her own. Be most excited in doing so, as it is your duty as parents to chart your family’s journey in life.
I would reiterate to my children every now and then, that we need a doctor in the family, a lawyer, a religious scholar (an ustaz) who masters the Quran and the Arabic language, a very good teacher, and a successful businessman.
However, sadly, I can say with certainty that most parents have not worked hard in sowing the ideas of what they would like their children to be in their children. Instead, they leave it to chance or give the excuse that they want their children to have the freedom to decide for themselves, whatever they would like to be.
To me, that is being rather irresponsible as parents. Parents should have a great say on what their children could and would be. The clarity of what you want your children to be is a major contributing factor to your children’s success in their studies and, eventually, in life.
A child who is convinced very early of what he or she wants to be, will be more motivated and empowered to study than one who reluctantly goes through the motion of studying without truly understanding what it is for.
Unlike other things which we may have little to no influence on, our children’s future can be directly influenced by inspiring in them what we believe they can achieve, and it is a shame if we abandon our role in it and let others do the influencing.
A purpose-driven family
We are our children’s best influencer and motivator, not only through what we say but mostly by what they see us doing. It is difficult to produce purpose-driven children if we ourselves are not purpose-driven in life.
Children should see and sense the pride and commitment that we have towards our own life and work – this will have a powerful impact on them. We have the freedom and ability to write and rewrite our own unique powerful family story. Turn every negativity into positivity. This positive drive is contagious as the children feel and see it daily. The opposite happens when they do not see nor sense any of these powerful emotional and social forces at play in the family.
Children grow up and mature at a pace that we set. While we may say that they ‘will always be our baby’, we do not have to continue to treat them like one, as they will grow up physically, yet sadly be stunted emotionally or psychologically if we prevent them from growing and maturing in tandem.
Always tie back what they are doing and what we want them to do in school with a mission in life. A purpose-driven family raises purpose-driven children and young adults. Being purpose-driven is a potent catalyst to excellence as it makes one strive hard to achieve goals in life.
We are our children’s best influencer and motivator, not only through what we say but mostly by what they see us doing. It is difficult to produce purpose-driven children if we ourselves are not purpose-driven in life.
So spend time with your spouse and children to set the clearest mission and vision for the family. Link that mission and vision to a noble cause grounded on principled values to live by, away from egoism and self-serving interests.
Reforming the community starts with our family
The truth is, the most powerful transformative cause is staring directly at us but we seem to avoid it. I am referring to the urgent need for reform of our Malay community and the larger society. Our Malay community is still facing many social challenges, pulling us down collectively. This is depressing and very negative.
One way in which we can directly contribute to the reform is to start with our own selves and families. To me, this is the most logical way to turn the negatives of our community and society into powerful positive forces.
For my wife and I, that personal commitment to reform our Malay community and the wider society was established very early. I chose to marry her precisely because of her qualities which complement my own in striving to work for the cause we undertook. Marriage became an important aspect of what we set as our life goals.
For the youths out there, know that who you marry can and will have a direct impact in your life and the community’s reform, starting with your own family. Hence, choose wisely! Nevertheless, there is never a perfect situation. Make the best of your situation and maximise your family’s potential to the fullest. Having a clear vision of what you are directing your family towards will help tremendously in adjusting everything else around it.
Our guiding principles
Decision making becomes easier when it is guided by priorities set by the goals that you want to achieve for your family. Parenting is always a work in progress and everyone in the family must play their role in the best manner possible. Leave nothing to chance.
Religion is a major source of clarity and nourishment that guides what we set as our life goals and priorities, as we address the challenges our community is facing. It is also the firm ground on which we anchor ourselves to remain steadfast in pursuit of all that we seek in this present life for a better one in the next.
Remember that God sets us up on this earth with a purpose to do our best in living this life, for the end that He has defined for us as His beloved creations. Thus, knowing and serving that purpose is ultimately the key to our success here and in the Hereafter. Do not ever forget that.
Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in the articles on The Ocean’s Ink are the authors’ own, written in their personal capacity. They may not reflect the view of The Ocean’s Ink or IMSGP as an organisation.