Tweens, Pre-Teens, Teenagers – whatever the term of reference – refer to that stage of life where one is no longer a child but not yet an adult. We have all gone through it, albeit, differently. As a parent of a young adult, teens and a tween, I constantly remind myself that my children are not me and are neither growing up under my parents nor during my childhood, within the community I had grown up in. Their world is different from the one I knew, frightening as that may sound. Yet, these are also exciting times, for me as a parent and for them, the future generation, as they chart their way in this world.
All praises be to Allah SWT for the life experiences that have helped me to not be clueless, through which He gifted me the most important life skill – the art of discernment – the ability to distinguish right from wrong, halal from haram, and ultimately, what Allah approves and does not approve of. So, as a guide on the side, I find myself using what I had gone through and learnt growing up to help my children navigate their lives today.
Not Blank Slates Anymore
By 12, most children are not blank slates anymore. I find myself having to ask my children about things new to me and they would give me the same advice I give them: “Look it up!” Or nowadays, “Google it!” Undeniably, our children have easy access to all kinds of information and influences via the Worldwide Web. There is always the fear, “Would the children become indifferent to mungkar (vices) through such exposure?” This is already evident today with the proliferation of innumerable negative content that pique the interests of the young and old alike. The forbidden fruit is always the most tempting. The problem is the surreptitious way our minds become affected. Those who are still developing their maturity are the ones most vulnerable to the ill-effects. Our young may have more access to information but they are not yet able to filter the good from the bad. This is where we, as adults, parents, caregivers and educators, need to step up.
“Everything also cannot!” ?
The challenge is how do we nudge the young towards the right direction without alienating them or turning them off because, “Everything also cannot!” Personally, I find myself making more time with my children now than when they were younger. I cannot just give orders and expect compliance. I have to ‘psycho’ or ‘slow talk’ them into sharing my conclusions while at the same time making it seem like the idea was originally theirs all along. The young do not want to be told. They want engagement, dialogue and two-way communication, which often begins with listening to them first – actually listening to them – not to find faults or nit-pick, but to actually find out what is inside their heads and hearts. Reserve judgement, even if what we hear disturbs us. Resist the temptation to ‘correct’ or give input. Give them the space to open up and share.
I find that spending the time and brain-space to listen to my children talk about even the most mundane of things in their lives has helped me bond better with them. I still ask about homework and tests and exams, but I also make it a point to ask about friends and other people they have met. As they advance in education, their friends range from those from their secondary schools to the ones from the current educational institutions they are in. It used to take me some time before I could figure out who was being talked about but now it is almost instinctive. Now, they tell me things unprompted. The golden moments are when they share their plans for the future or what grips their hearts! The time and space I have invested in is paying off!
Family Norms
From time to time, as a family, we would bring up things we witness, whether on the media and in our readings (books, magazines, online), for discussion. I used to interrupt my children watching TV with questions that provoked them to a critical analysis of what was depicted. There was a time they found it so annoying they stopped watching TV altogether. It was I who used to invite them to watch documentaries or ‘interesting’ programmes on TV. Now that they have their own smart devices, I would peek over their shoulders or barge in on them to take a peek at what is capturing their interest on the screen. They used to hide but when they realised I did not lecture them about what I saw, they began to loosen up. The boys once invited me to play PubG with them, while my eldest girl is our resident expert on all things Korean. We even ask them to recommend movies or documentaries to watch. Certainly, it has become friendlier at home. When it came to sensual parts or other depictions of negative elements like gratuitous violence, it is the children who would fast-forward or change channels. They are the ones holding the remote controls most of the time anyway. From time to time, they would come up with questions that we would discuss: “Why do they do that? How can that be right? What is the difference between them and us?” Thus, despite the exposure to mixed messages, the children have, somehow, thank God, been inculcated with a consistent core from which they are making informed choices.
Having quick and easy access to information is a double-edged sword. We do get exposed to a load of undesirable content but we can also instantly obtain information that helps us explain clearly the consequences of the negative influences we have witnessed. It just takes a bit of research. The one thing we should not encourage at home, is to keep quiet when mungkar elements are witnessed. As a family, be active and not passive consumers of media and information. For example, when my children go to the homes of relatives, they would banter with their cousins on the merits of various online games.
The one thing we should not encourage at home, is to keep quiet when mungkar (vice or transgressive) elements are witnessed. As a family, be active and not passive consumers of media and information.
Even when it comes to the choice of books, the children know I would skim the books they borrow. Those that have disturbing content would be called up for discussion in private. We would discuss the merits and demerits of the book and the purpose of investing precious time in such pursuits. I would ask the reader on his/her thoughts on the book. If the character or scene is not central, what did they think about the presence of such elements in the story? Calling out such depictions and bringing it up for discussion guides the readers to pay guarded and critical attention. It identifies that there is something not correct and cannot be ignored but it should not be dwelt on too long. Together, the reader and I would come to a conclusion as to how to deal with the material. Some books and writers have been outrightly banned altogether; even Roald Dahl has not been spared.
Together, the reader and I would come to a conclusion as to how to deal with the material. Some books and writers have been outrightly banned altogether; even Roald Dahl has not been spared.
Protecting and Preserving Their Religiosity
Continuously engaging the children with Islamic values and principles as well as the consciousness of Allah SWT becomes more paramount the older they grow, until they are able to decide for themselves how best to accept the consequences of their decisions. Be it a discussion on what Allah SWT approves of, the examples shown by the Prophet s.a.w. or the logical, rational and reasonable aspects of an issue, all need to be given equal importance. The cultural environment we are facing today is not too different from the one faced by the early Muslims during the Prophet’s SAW time. Just like in those days, we also have to mingle with people of all persuasions, Muslims and non-Muslims. Some are antagonistic to our beliefs and some, even from among the non-Muslims, are aligned to our values as well. It is incumbent on all of us to live in peaceful co-existence with practising and non-practising communities. By continuously reminding and imbibing our young ones with the skills to work out independently what Allah SWT approves and does not approve of, our children will learn how to protect and preserve their religiosity in these challenging times.
While it is the job of parents, caregivers and teachers to continue trying and doing their best, praying and doing whatever it takes regardless of the outcome, we must know that we are not alone when we do it with lots of God-consciousness – making du’a, seeking His guidance and protection. Allah SWT is ultimately the one Who determines the outcome. Remember that even the Prophets (peace be upon them) had family members who strayed and were lost.
May Allah SWT guide and protect us, our families, communities and society from trials and tribulations. May He make us and our children steadfast on the path of Truth. Ameen.
By continuously reminding and imbibing our young ones with the skills to work out independently what Allah SWT approves and does not approve of, our children will learn how to protect and preserve their religiosity in these challenging times.
Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in the articles on The Ocean’s Ink are the authors’ own, written in their personal capacity. They may not reflect the view of The Ocean’s Ink or IMSGP as an organisation.