Leap of Faith: A Young Caregiver’s Story

       In September of 2021, my life was forever changed when nenek, my paternal grandmother who was staying with us at the time, had a stroke. On a normal toilet run at night, she was seen gripping the bed for balance, unable to support one side of her body, along with slurred speech. 

According to CDC.gov, strokes are brain attacks that happen when there is a blocked or ruptured artery. They damage the brain severely and can cause lasting brain damage, long-term disability, even death.

Thankfully, we caught the stroke within 2 hours and quickly sent her to the nearby hospital. The aftermath of the accident was the time we were most distressed because we knew how serious it was, and we weren’t sure if she would be ok. Knowing her dementia, we also wanted to be sure she would not be distressed in such an unfamiliar environment.

We discussed as a family what would be done when she was discharged. While my aunt was the main caregiver, she lived at the other end of Singapore. We still needed someone to be with her 24/7.

Family Support

       It might not make sense to others, but sometimes you just know what the next logical step was. I told my parents that I would take leave from (and eventually decided to quit) my full time job at the time to care for nenek. I had no idea what was in store but I knew Al Hadi, the Provider of Guidance, would ease the path. 

To be fair, this is not a conventional thought process for someone in their mid-20s. No one just thinks, “I want to be a caregiver at 26.” Most caregivers in fact, became caregivers due to circumstances. I was already studying part-time on top of working full-time. However, I had no dependents and I knew that this was something I was capable of doing right now for the grandmother who had helped raise me. The month after we caught the stroke, she was discharged and sent back to our home to recuperate. We began to care for her from home.

The Highs and Lows

       Leaving my job abruptly had the unintended consequence of leaving me adrift. Suddenly, I had all this time every day with lots of question marks about how it would be filled. Luckily, establishing a care routine would solve that.

It wasn’t intentional, but self care was the first thing that I forgot as a caregiver. There were days where I would power on without breakfast and lunch and only realise once it was almost dinner. T

here were days that I never left the house not realising why I felt isolated. Nenek’s routines and general well-being became part of my day. How much she ate, her mood, even her sleeping patterns became part of the daily family catch up.

       It was only once routine was established that we were able to care in tandem – seamlessly taking turns to care for nenek. This allowed us to burnout less easily by allowing time to have lives beyond caregiving. For me, this mostly meant pockets of time to run errands, do school work, take zoom meetings or meet a friend or two for lunch.

Here is what I’ve learnt so far as a caregiver:

Khidmah

       One thing I was able to realise early on: This was a way for me to serve my family, in a way I had never been able to before. The support of my family was paramount in my decision, as it allowed me to look back with no regrets. I saw a need that needed to be filled, and so I did it. This allowed me to step out of the label of “child” in my family. Suddenly, I was the person who knew about nenek’s care. Suddenly, I became an ‘adult’ too. 

Barakah

       Have you ever had the feeling where you can have a small to-do list but still be rushing through everything? Well, on the flip side, there’s also the feeling where you’d have a long to-do list but be able to complete so many things in a day. Being a caregiver for my grandmother allowed me to focus on my family and block out all other noise. Despite the difficulties faced in adjusting to being a caregiver, I also felt so much barakah because I was able to complete more in a day.  Everyday became a productive day because it was purposeful.

       In some ways, I see that we were blessed that it happened the way it did. There were little hidden mercies that Allah presented to us. The timing for so many things just fell into place, and there were ways that it could’ve been worse but they weren’t. For example, she also only started living with us a few months prior, when previously she had been living alone. Only Allah knows what would’ve happened if she had been staying alone and had her stroke.

Reflecting on our state on Earth

       It takes being confronted with death once to see it at every corner. There are days when nenek isn’t doing the best and I wonder to myself, “will this be the day that we say goodbye?”. This catapulted my fear that the moment I relaxed would be the day she leaves us. The adrenaline from that fateful September night only ran out 8 months after.

We mourned the life she lived pre-accident. The grandmother I knew loved to walk outside every morning. She spoke to the neighbors in Malay or Javanese even though my Chinese neighbors could not understand. She loved to share about her children and her life, and would prepare tea or coffee for guests. While her ongoing dementia had already caused her to constantly forget, her stroke added to her loss of mobility and independence. She could no longer walk from place to place and had to be helped with everything. 

As the ones still living, we witness these reverse milestones and wonder if there will be others to care for us in our old age. We wonder if we will be the ones who will be sick and will need to be cared for, or if we will be the ones caring for others. And if we should even expect that assistance. It reminds me of a quote by Rosalyn Carter, that says: “There are only four kinds of people in the world: Those who have been caregivers. Those who are currently caregivers. Those who will be caregivers, and those who will need a caregiver.” May Allah be Al Muhaymin, The Protector, when that day comes. 

To Conclude

       Before this, the world of caregiving had always seemed so unimaginable. However, this is the reality of more than 210,000 caregivers in Singapore. It is difficult to fully understand unless you’re in our shoes and even then, the mental and physical rigour that a caregiver goes through is varied between families, illnesses, and any existing health or mental conditions of the caregiver themselves, and not to mention the amount of support the caregiver receives. My family has had the luxury of having two able-bodied caregivers without having to worry as much about the financial aspect of caregiving as other families – we are very blessed in comparison.

Will I be a caregiver forever? Wallahualam bissawab (only Allah knows what is correct). What we know is, we want nenek to have the best quality of life possible at the end of her life. At this point, we focus on keeping her comfortable in her old age and take things day by day as they come.

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Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in The Ocean’s Ink articles are the authors’ own, written in their capacity. They may not reflect the view of The Ocean’s Ink or IMSGP as an organisation.